If you ever wanted to be a goat, now is your chance. Goat Simulator by Coffee Stain Studios is on sale now on Xbox Live Gold and I absolutely love this game; it is so utterly dumb and pointless that its faults become endearing. Even the creators want you to know that what you are possibly going to experience is a total waste of time and money. Their own website poses this disclaimer at the bottom of the home page, goat-simulator.com:
“Goat Simulator is a small, broken and stupid game. It was made in a couple of weeks so don’t expect a game in the size and scope of GTA with goats. In fact, you’re better off not expecting anything at all actually. To be completely honest, it would be best if you’d spend your $10 on a hula hoop, a pile of bricks, or maybe a real-life goat.”
Self-deprecation after my own pathetic heart. This game is so much fun for having little to no objective, it’s like Katamari Damaci without the sense of purpose you got from cleaning up after your drunk dad. Or re-mastering the universe. But you can request an abduction by UFO and be taken to space for a little while. It’s actually a really good way to achieve maximum hang time, and it’s the only way you can get the Rymdskepp i Rymden medal, and who doesn’t want that?! While lacking any real goals, the game is littered with random easter eggs and gives you achievement medals for all sorts of ridiculous (and wonderful) things. There are the more simple things to do, like licking stuff and seeing what sticks to your tongue, perhaps this moving vehicle, for exa….
You can also do something a little more challenging, such as getting the “Mile High Club” achievement, which is maybe not as fun as you think it is… Unless what you think it is, is licking a hang glider after jumping off of a construction crane. My favorite part about this game are the “Mutators,” though. You get a handful of them to begin with then gain more throughout by doing various, seemingly random things. Each mutator offers a weird new perk for you and your corny companion- like “Angel Goat,” which you get after standing perfectly still for five minutes doing absolutely nothing. With it, you get a halo, creepy eyes that glow and stare blankly into the void, and the ability to fall gracefully through the air. I’m a sucker for a good homage, and Goat Simulator has an abundance of them. My personal favorite goes to the “Don’t Panic” achievement for reasons that should be obvious to you if you’re any kind of awesome. (Go read a book, you heathens! After you finish reading this article and look that reference up on the internet, of course.) There are cute little golden goat trophies to collect in the two main areas, GoatVille and Goat City Bay, and a robot in a shipping container that may fight you at a construction site. Even touching water causes your goat to go limp, but you can skip like a stone and direct yourself back to land by using the jump command. Trampolines can be found in strategic locations, air vents on rooftops will send you rocketing into the sky, a Goat Fight Club congregates out in the cornfield, and if you ascend the tower, you ascend the throne. I’d also recommend going up the hill in GoatVille after completing that last task. (If your screen starts filling with an ominous red glow, you’ll know you’re in the right place to drop off a few of your… friends.)
There are two add-ons one can also find on the Xbox Live Marketplace: GoatZ and Goat MMO Simulator, which will likely make you feel even more stupid as you waste precious minutes of your life trying to pull a sword from a stone with nothing but your tongue and determination. But what is life if not a series of trials and errors? Err on the side of simple fun and go download Goat Simulator– you won’t thank me, but you will silently curse me as you find yourself enjoying the crap out of that game.